Not all things are spiritual, right?

The title of this post is kind of how I'm feeling right now. I am in an awful mood, induced by reading the first three out of four books in the Traveling Pants series, watching Safe Haven, The Lucky One, and A Walk to Remember. I'm left, at two in the morning, with puffy eyes and an aching heart. Most would say I should put down the emotional porn and get over my feelings--- but they don't know that I haven't felt anything in such a long time, that this feeling of hollowness is quite the relief.


My heart has been empty since August. My tank has been empty since August. I've been avoiding people, running from friendships, relationships, even family. I talk rarely anymore, and when I do, it's to those who demand answers about my distance, and I plaster on a genuinely fake smile and pretend that I am perfectly okay, just busy. I'm even growing apart from my brother, also known as my sidekick and best friend. Well, if we're being honest, Gavin's the Hero in life. I'm his sidekick.

Oh, and did you guys know Valentine's day is coming up? Yeah, me neither. I'm  not even trying to start ranting about how cute couples celebrating their affection for one another on this day of the year makes me green with envy, and slightly nauseated. Because if we're being honest, the jealousy that often courses through my veins makes me sick on that level every other day of the year too. I'm not anti-relationships, and against affection, good for you guys. Just don't rub it in my face that you have something and I don't.


I had something once, something I thought was real. However, I was strangely disappointed when my real feelings were exposed as the opposite end of some cruel game. I never knew that someone would say I love you, and have no truth behind it. The world is harsh. So are boys.


Coming back to the Title, I'm really tired of people telling me to cherish my gift of singleness. I'm young, and I have plenty of time, and God will send me the right person in the right timing. SHUT UP. I handle watching everyone else love and be loved quite well, and have gotten much better about having these ranting, hyper-emotionalized breakdowns and episodes. They grow increasingly strong anytime I'm made to stop, or to think.

This is unfortunately spiritual, too. I don't need a man to complete me, but I sure as hell want one.

However, I'm not content with myself, nor confident yet in myself through Christ, and am obviously not in a place to pick up an idol with bright eyes, a killer smile, and red hair.




Sometimes, I wonder why every other girl is worth being pursued, though. Moments of weakness, I suppose. I am worth it, and someday I will believe that.

Until Next Time,

Al.

The Fall Defines Nothing- Your Rising Determines Everything.

I have found that as humans, we often define ourselves by our falling, by our failures. It is so hard in a world who sees you for the bad to define yourself by the good. We identify as many different things, but most of them come back to defining ourselves by failure, or things that we see as failure. We are addicts, panic disorders, ADHD, single parents, unemployed, etc. We may not voice these "flaws" to others, for fear of abolishing the facade we wear so well. But when you look in the mirror, who do you see? Do you see someone who isn't wanted by their friends? Who doesn't fit in well with their co-workers? A person struggling to not fall prey to lust? A person who had an abortion? Why do we continue to define ourselves by our mistakes? By our sins? It's not the falling that defines you. It's only how you rise.

Rising takes more strength than people realize. We are all called to rise at some point in our life.  Sins have defined people for too long, in my opinion. I believe it's time that the righteousness of Christ defines us, rather than our human weakness.

If you think about it, Jesus' death is not what brought victory. His Resurrection was. The Rising of Christ defined and set Him apart. Thousands were killed by crucifixion. None to the extent of Jesus, Him bearing the sins of the world, but if you think about it, crucifixion was a common thing. Rising from the dead as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, First-born of the slain, was not.

Sin is common in the church. Sin is common to humanity. Sin and failure are something that we have in common with those who have never encountered Jesus Christ, as well as with those who have. However, it is rising from the curse of sin that we have in common with Jesus. Our sins brought death over the messiah (The consequence of sin is death). Instead of staying down, trapped in the death and hell that sin brings, Jesus rose and returned to the Father. We are called to do the same. Quit allowing the cycle of failure to bear fruit in your life. Rise after falling, and return to the Father. Falling does not define you, Rising does.

This rock we live on.

 Hang tight, this may bring forth emotions of any kind, including none at all. I believe I've discovered enough about this world to share my thoughts. I have found we are all pawns in God's chess game. These lots of time we are given and call life are ethereal. Too often existence takes priority, rather than life. Greed kills joy, but humility breeds a fulfilled life. Warm climate cultures have the right idea, working in their own time frame -untouched by the bondage in the form of a clock around their wrists. Technology that is meant to increase communication diminishes it. Love is the peak of life, although it is the most terrifying. The greatest risks give the highest rewards. Neve fear giving away your heart no matter how scarred it may be. Passion fuels your life, don't lose it. Do what you love, be where your heart is leading you. Being lost can either be a horror story or an adventure. You find yourself as you find your way. Use the journey to your advantage. Music is a language that is more powerful than any other. It bridges generation gaps, races, genders, and can unite people from all walks of life with the plucking of a string. Emotion is universal. Music is simply a way of expressing emotion that all can understand. Music is power, and in music, we find empowerment. Every person in every culture fights battles that seem like they're life and death. Know the difference between battles that appear difficult, and those that actually are. Wisdom is found in experience. Old souls are to be cherished. Empty things produce empty people. life is only found in truly living. When you can't see the bottom, you're where you're supposed to be. Dive in. Our lives are comprised of divinely orchestrated moments in which our Creator reaches out to us, asking that we recognize who He is and the Love that he offers. I think that when we're in situations that are too hard, too much, or too tough, we're exactly where we need to be- a place of recognizing that we are humans who are dependent on an intervention from God. We are broken people, who break others if we refuse to embrace that pain that we live and find healing. This rock we live on is hard. It's unforgiving, and will surely bruise your soul when you fall. But there is a way to get back up, a rope of faith extended to you. So grab hold. Receive help. Help others. Love. Love. Love. And don't be afraid to Live. That's what I think about this rock we live on. 

Empty people.

Empty things breed empty people. Food for thought. Finding myself in things "of the world" has not been very fulfilling thus far. Defining myself by the standards of others has also left me feeling as if I'm a disappointment. When we try to fill our lives with empty things- vanity, drinking, smoking, lust, even other people--- these things will hollow us out until we are nothing more than an empty shell of a human being.

Don't become distracted.

Focus on and fill yourself with the things of God. He is the only one who can remake empty individuals into whole people.

Jeremiah 2:1-8:

"The word of the Lord came to me: Go and announce directly to Jerusalem that this is what the Lord says:  "I remember the loyalty of your youth, your love as a bride- how you followed Me in the wilderness, in a land not sown. Israel was holy to the Lord, the first fruits of His harvest. All who ate of it found themselves guilty; disaster came on them." This is what the Lord Says.

Hear the word of the Lord, house of Jacob and all families of the house of Israel, This is what the Lord says:

What fault did your fathers find in Me? that they went so far from Me, followed worthless idols, and became worthless themselves? They stopped asking, "Where is the Lord who brought us from the land of Egypt, who led us through the wilderness, through a land of deserts and ravines, through a land of drought and darkness, a land no one traveled through and where no one lived?"

I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and bounty but after you entered, you defiled my land; you made My inheritance detestable. The priests quit asking "Where is the Lord?" The experts in the law no longer knew me, and the rulers rebelled against me. The prophets prophesied by Baal, and followed useless idols."

It has been quite some time since God's word has broken my heart. However, that's partially because it's been quite some time since I've read it faithfully and consistently. This post is as much for me as it is for those who come across this, and read it. In Jeremiah 2, we find Israel being accused of Apostasy. Apostasy is falling away, or as we call it here in Modern-Day American churches of the South, "Back-sliding". 

I've heard multitudes of sermons on backsliding, and heard more altar calls than I can count, regarding the falling away of believers. However, these annoy me more than words can describe. Not because of wrestling with conviction, but because our hearts behind these are often wrong. Often, it appears that when no one decides to come forward for a first time salvation commitment, we simply broaden our search for willing participants by including "back-sliding believers". This is done, opposed to having a heart for those who are struggling in the faith and need restoration and help working through their struggles as they make their way back home from a prodigal journey- no matter how big or small. They need restoration, not hugs after a prayer of semi-repentance (but mainly an emotionally driven and guilt filled apology). 

In Jeremiah 2, we find a heartbroken God. He is remembering a time when Israel really loved and adored Him. The phrase loyalty of your youth comes from the Hebrew word "chesed" for loyalty. It speaks of the "loving-kindness, or unfailing devotion" that Israel once showed to her bridegroom, The Lord. 

God speaks of a time in His relationship with Israel where she followed Him wherever He would go. She did not hesitate to spend time in the wilderness with Him, alone and content. She did not run from God, and the places that Yahweh would take her. 

There is typically a time like this in the life of each believer. That type of zeal that burns in a person fresh from conversion, realizing the goodness of God for the first time, DRIVES their trust in God. They are full of trust, and can be bewildered by the smallest of things when it comes to the Father. Somewhat like when a little girl is amazed by blowing bubbles. Everything has beauty. 

So why do we lose it? The miracles of God and His interactions with mankind do not become any less miraculous. We simply become desensitized to God's Spirit and His ways of working. We slowly drift into lives of occupied minds and hearts enthroned by business. We relinquish the desire to partake in spiritual discipline, and trade in times of eating spiritual food for gaining earthly success found in working out of our own strength. God clearly asks Jeremiah in verse five , "What fault did your fathers find in Me that they went so far from Me, followed worthless idols, and became worthless themselves?"

What is it in us that screams out God is unworthy of my devotion and what pushes me to allow the useless and harmful idols of men and this world to define me rather than my creator? WHY DO WE WALK AWAY? Sin. Sickness in the heart that poisons the entire body, the heart, and the soul. Sin that we allow to take root rather than bringing light to it, confessing it, holding ourselves accountable to both God and man, and moving past it. The tragedy of falling away from the faith is not in falling away or participating in sin. The tragedy is leaving a perfect God, who is completely good, and trading it for perfect emptiness that is wholly bad. 

We leave Him wondering why we can't see his worth. When we walk away, we are saying to a perfect God that He is not good enough for our worship. When we view God through a filter of ourselves and see Him as who we think He is, we are not able to see the true character of God. We miss a God who is worthy of everything we have to give, and so much more. We miss the fact that this Creator of the Universe is perfect in all His ways. His definition of good for us is greater than our perception of good for ourselves. The only way for us to prevent ourselves from walking away from God is to see Him in His true light. To see Him through scripture, in truth, for who He truly is.

When we understand the greatness of God, all that He is, we will have no choice but to follow Him. We will see a Savior who is worth devoting our lives to. The crime is in apostasy is not giving up when "the going gets tough" or not being able to cling to God through trials and tribulation. The sin is found in not understanding who God is, and trading the Creator for creations of our own hands.


I understand it is difficult to continue to walk in relationship with the Lord. The entire world seeks to distract you from faith and fill you with doubt. It wants every part of you, and will leave you empty. Take it from someone who recently took a journey away from the father, and found herself back in the footsteps of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).  Apostasy seems to be the habit of the children of God, but I challenge you-- The next time you notice yourself falling or walking away from God intentionally. Ask yourself what is it that seems so great? What fulfillment will you find in the guilt of giving in to temptation? What wholeness will you find at the empty bottle of whiskey? Will you actually feel more loved after you watch pornography? What reward will you have in breaking the heart of someone who has wronged you? Will these temptations actually bring something more to your life that you've been searching for? Will filling yourself with empty things fill the emptiness you experience daily?

The answer is no. Don't fall away, don't slide backwards, Press on. Be accountable. Live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus Christ. Do not trade a perfect God for a life of heartache. If you're thinking that there is something wrong with God, examine your heart. The problem is typically going to be your perspective. Accept that He is a God who does not make mistakes. 

Jesus was not beaten to be your boyfriend who is whipped....

BUCKLE UP. Hypocrite Rant coming your way.

Okay. So here's the thing. I understand God has a plan for our lives. Scripture tells us that. He has called us to be in fellowship with Him, to look like His Son, Jesus. We are called to be transformed, to walk in the Light of God. To Know Him, and to make Him known.

BUT I'm tired of hearing people whine about not knowing God's direction for their lives. They spend HOURS AND WEEKS AND EVEN MONTHS laboring in prayer over which college to attend, or what career to go into. I'm sorry, this sounds blunt. But God does not care which college you go to. He is not going to stop the earth from spinning to send you in a different direction. Things like this are your choice. He has placed certain passions in each of us. He doesn't expect for us to do something for the rest of our lives that will make us miserable. God designed us to give Him glory. In whatever sphere of influence you have, you are to bring Glory to the Father. As long as you're doing that, in relationship with God, and showing the character of God to those you encounter in your life, God is pleased. He is satisfied with you without you leaving your desire for an engineering degree to pack up and move to Yemen to edify the underground church.

STOP STRESSING. LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE. The rest will work out. 

I'm completely over the "Jesus is my boyfriend" type of thinking too. Ladies, we need to get it together. Stop treating Jesus as if he's your date that you're excited for. This man was brutally murdered for you. Yes, He is passionately in love with you, but He is not wrapped around your finger, whipped by your demanding tendencies, and bowing at your feet. 

Harsh, sure. 

True, YES. 

Stop treating Jesus as your doormat. He's the Messiah. The savior of the universe. He's the Sovereign Lord, Creator of all things. 

His flesh was not shredded by Romans so that you could "Kiss Dating Goodbye", use Jesus as an excuse to enter and exit relationships as you choose, and treat the King of Kings as your boyfriend who is whipped. 

.........WHAT HAPPENED TO FEARING GOD? 

Don't sin kids, stay in school.

I'm great at blogging. SIKE. I constantly forget. However, it's not like this blog is the only thing I forget about. I often forget to live. (No, I don't forget to exist, just to allow myself to feel alive).

These last few months have been horrid. No doubt. I've been running from God, letting friendships slip through my fingertips, and just not caring.

I dreaded my hair. Well, only six sections of it.

I started playing guitar, maybe to express myself, maybe to feel better, I don't know.

I'm still taking Biology. I hate this class.

I would like to get back to where I was spiritually. But hopefully this time, I'll not have the desire to run from God. Sin sucks. It really, really sucks. It seems fun, but it just rips my heart out. Consecutively. Every time, without fail.

Don't sin kids. Stay in school.

Deuces.