Not all things are spiritual, right?

The title of this post is kind of how I'm feeling right now. I am in an awful mood, induced by reading the first three out of four books in the Traveling Pants series, watching Safe Haven, The Lucky One, and A Walk to Remember. I'm left, at two in the morning, with puffy eyes and an aching heart. Most would say I should put down the emotional porn and get over my feelings--- but they don't know that I haven't felt anything in such a long time, that this feeling of hollowness is quite the relief.


My heart has been empty since August. My tank has been empty since August. I've been avoiding people, running from friendships, relationships, even family. I talk rarely anymore, and when I do, it's to those who demand answers about my distance, and I plaster on a genuinely fake smile and pretend that I am perfectly okay, just busy. I'm even growing apart from my brother, also known as my sidekick and best friend. Well, if we're being honest, Gavin's the Hero in life. I'm his sidekick.

Oh, and did you guys know Valentine's day is coming up? Yeah, me neither. I'm  not even trying to start ranting about how cute couples celebrating their affection for one another on this day of the year makes me green with envy, and slightly nauseated. Because if we're being honest, the jealousy that often courses through my veins makes me sick on that level every other day of the year too. I'm not anti-relationships, and against affection, good for you guys. Just don't rub it in my face that you have something and I don't.


I had something once, something I thought was real. However, I was strangely disappointed when my real feelings were exposed as the opposite end of some cruel game. I never knew that someone would say I love you, and have no truth behind it. The world is harsh. So are boys.


Coming back to the Title, I'm really tired of people telling me to cherish my gift of singleness. I'm young, and I have plenty of time, and God will send me the right person in the right timing. SHUT UP. I handle watching everyone else love and be loved quite well, and have gotten much better about having these ranting, hyper-emotionalized breakdowns and episodes. They grow increasingly strong anytime I'm made to stop, or to think.

This is unfortunately spiritual, too. I don't need a man to complete me, but I sure as hell want one.

However, I'm not content with myself, nor confident yet in myself through Christ, and am obviously not in a place to pick up an idol with bright eyes, a killer smile, and red hair.




Sometimes, I wonder why every other girl is worth being pursued, though. Moments of weakness, I suppose. I am worth it, and someday I will believe that.

Until Next Time,

Al.

The Fall Defines Nothing- Your Rising Determines Everything.

I have found that as humans, we often define ourselves by our falling, by our failures. It is so hard in a world who sees you for the bad to define yourself by the good. We identify as many different things, but most of them come back to defining ourselves by failure, or things that we see as failure. We are addicts, panic disorders, ADHD, single parents, unemployed, etc. We may not voice these "flaws" to others, for fear of abolishing the facade we wear so well. But when you look in the mirror, who do you see? Do you see someone who isn't wanted by their friends? Who doesn't fit in well with their co-workers? A person struggling to not fall prey to lust? A person who had an abortion? Why do we continue to define ourselves by our mistakes? By our sins? It's not the falling that defines you. It's only how you rise.

Rising takes more strength than people realize. We are all called to rise at some point in our life.  Sins have defined people for too long, in my opinion. I believe it's time that the righteousness of Christ defines us, rather than our human weakness.

If you think about it, Jesus' death is not what brought victory. His Resurrection was. The Rising of Christ defined and set Him apart. Thousands were killed by crucifixion. None to the extent of Jesus, Him bearing the sins of the world, but if you think about it, crucifixion was a common thing. Rising from the dead as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, First-born of the slain, was not.

Sin is common in the church. Sin is common to humanity. Sin and failure are something that we have in common with those who have never encountered Jesus Christ, as well as with those who have. However, it is rising from the curse of sin that we have in common with Jesus. Our sins brought death over the messiah (The consequence of sin is death). Instead of staying down, trapped in the death and hell that sin brings, Jesus rose and returned to the Father. We are called to do the same. Quit allowing the cycle of failure to bear fruit in your life. Rise after falling, and return to the Father. Falling does not define you, Rising does.