The title of this post is kind of how I'm feeling right now. I am in an awful mood, induced by reading the first three out of four books in the Traveling Pants series, watching Safe Haven, The Lucky One, and A Walk to Remember. I'm left, at two in the morning, with puffy eyes and an aching heart. Most would say I should put down the emotional porn and get over my feelings--- but they don't know that I haven't felt anything in such a long time, that this feeling of hollowness is quite the relief.
My heart has been empty since August. My tank has been empty since August. I've been avoiding people, running from friendships, relationships, even family. I talk rarely anymore, and when I do, it's to those who demand answers about my distance, and I plaster on a genuinely fake smile and pretend that I am perfectly okay, just busy. I'm even growing apart from my brother, also known as my sidekick and best friend. Well, if we're being honest, Gavin's the Hero in life. I'm his sidekick.
Oh, and did you guys know Valentine's day is coming up? Yeah, me neither. I'm not even trying to start ranting about how cute couples celebrating their affection for one another on this day of the year makes me green with envy, and slightly nauseated. Because if we're being honest, the jealousy that often courses through my veins makes me sick on that level every other day of the year too. I'm not anti-relationships, and against affection, good for you guys. Just don't rub it in my face that you have something and I don't.
I had something once, something I thought was real. However, I was strangely disappointed when my real feelings were exposed as the opposite end of some cruel game. I never knew that someone would say I love you, and have no truth behind it. The world is harsh. So are boys.
Coming back to the Title, I'm really tired of people telling me to cherish my gift of singleness. I'm young, and I have plenty of time, and God will send me the right person in the right timing. SHUT UP. I handle watching everyone else love and be loved quite well, and have gotten much better about having these ranting, hyper-emotionalized breakdowns and episodes. They grow increasingly strong anytime I'm made to stop, or to think.
This is unfortunately spiritual, too. I don't need a man to complete me, but I sure as hell want one.
However, I'm not content with myself, nor confident yet in myself through Christ, and am obviously not in a place to pick up an idol with bright eyes, a killer smile, and red hair.
Sometimes, I wonder why every other girl is worth being pursued, though. Moments of weakness, I suppose. I am worth it, and someday I will believe that.
Until Next Time,
Al.
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