I Hope God Speaks to You in a Nice and Polite Manner.

Do you ever feel like God is trying to say "Hey, stop being an asshat and listen to me" ?

This seems to be a common theme in my prayer life recently. I'm not saying the Holy Spirit uses those words exactly, but overall that's the picture I've been getting from God. 

"Let's work this out- but first, you have to remember that I am the one in control. Stop being an idiot. Stop running to empty things. Trust me for once, would ya? " like I said in the title- I hope God speaks to you in a polite manner. My skull is too thick for that to work on me. 

Who knows. Maybe that's just me. Through the last few months, I've been seeing that more often than not, my sin (intentional and not) is rooted in a lack of trusting God. I either don't trust Him to give me what I want/think I need, or I don't trust that He has somethin better for me.Instead of allowing Him to be Lord in my life, I refuse the possibility that true fulfillment is found in Him, and run to empty, destructive things. If I believed that the Word was enough to get me through a moment of temptation, maybe I would open it instead of a laptop. If I trusted that God would satisfy me emotionally, I would not turn to guys for affirmation. If I trusted that God would meet my needs financially, I wouldn't strive as much. If I trusted that God would provide me with peace, I wouldn't fight so hard for my own security. Etc, etc, etc. My sin, my operating under the desires of my flesh, it comes from a lack of trusting that God is who He says He is, and will do what He promises. If I believe and trust that He HAS freed me from the dominion of sin, then I am empowered to walk a life that is not enslaved to moments of weakness and self-inflicted shame. If I believed that He will meet my needs financially, then I can live a life without fear of debt, and being trapped by a time-clock. If I believe and trust that God will supply anointing and opportunities for ministry, by His Spirit, and in His timing, I don't have to be a slave of business in ministry. 

If I trusted God, I could live freely and walk in light like He intends for me too. 

The problem, is I can hardly get out of my own way long enough to listen, long enough to hear, long enough to believe, and long enough to walk in a trusting relationship with the only one who has proven Himself trustworthy. 

Wow. Welp, you're welcome for the word vomit. 

I mean I thought this was cool at 3:45 AM.

Okay, If I'm being honest, which I believe I should, I was more than frustrated when I woke up at 3:45 Am after two days of no sleep, when I have work today. After tossing and turning for a bit, I decided to open up my Bible. I heard a heart-wrenching message about fighting to remain in God's love, and I haven't been fighting to do that in my life for some time now. I let the heartaches and burdens of life push me away from God, steadily busying myself until I forgot about my worries- rather than allowing God to strengthen and guide me through them. Anyways, I don't really want to spend this post discussing my shortcomings in that area, I'm writing to share something God showed me in His word this morning.


So, I'm checking out Acts, and reading chapter 7 about the stoning of Stephen, followed by Chapter 8. It starts off talking about Saul persecuting the church. "Saul agreed with putting him to death. On that day a severe persecution broke out against the church in Jerusalem, and all except the apostles were scattered throughout the land of Judea and Samaria." (Acts 8:1)

Skip down to verse 4: "So those who were scattered went on their way preaching the message of good news."

I'm not sure why I haven't gotten this out of scripture until now, but the enemy cannot ruin the plans of God. What Saul meant for harm against the church and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, What the enemy meant for destruction of faith and for the very believers, God used to further spread the Gospel. He uses evil for GOOD. He takes the suffering of the believers, their scattering, and uses it as an opportunity to FURTHER HIS KINGDOM.
Pretty cool, in my opinion. It gets even better.

Next, is the response of Simon. (Please, if you're reading this post, actually read the passage... I'm not going to quote the whole thing and am going to paraphrase for the sake of time-and that it's 4:33 in the morning.)


Simon was a man who had practiced sorcery in the city of Samaria. The Bible says that the people-least to the greatest- paid attention to Him and believed the great magic He practiced was the power of God.

However, when Philip came to preach the good news, they believed and were baptized. Simon Himself believed, and was baptized- going forward with Philip and the apostles.


REDEMPTION IS FOR ALL. I forget this so often, thinking badly and judging people who practice wickedness, when I did and sometimes still do the same thing. (The judgement of their sin alone makes me just as guilty... when will I get that out of my head and into my heart?) Not only were the people in the city who were bewitched and impressed by a false representation of power, and a misconstrued view of God saved and set free, being baptized and believing in the name and Resurrection of Jesus, but the sorcerer was too! The blood is for ALL. The Death was for ALL. THE RESURRECTION WAS FOR ALL.

In the very same chapter, the Bible talks about Simon's Sin. Huh? You heard me. The Bible talks about his sin AFTER his conversion. You mean to tell me, that Simon wasn't perfect after a radical experience with Jesus, moving from witchcraft into the Kingdom of LIGHT? He offered Peter money to lay hands on Him and give Him the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, "so that everyone I lay hands on will receive the Holy Spirit."

Peter calls Him out, and tells Him he needs to get His heart right with God and repent for the wicked thing He has done. SO, Simon does. I think it's interesting that the Bible clearly shows that it takes time to understand the ways of God, when we've been practicing the ways of the world our entire lives. His kingdom is unlike any other. His ways are different, holy. They are above reproach. His words are Life, and Truth. I don't think Simon was intentionally being wicked. I think he was operating under the laws of the kingdom he had known. When he received correction, he allowed someone to correct him, he repented, and moved forward. I think it's a beautiful example; it was to me at the least. I put so much pressure on myself to behave well, when sometimes I have to belong before I can change my behavior. I'm still figuring this out. I will always be figuring this out. That's the thing with this journey- I will not arrive at my destination until death. Until then, I will be learning to live in a kingdom not of this world.


Thanks God, that your redemption is for all of us. From the best, to the worst, you made a way for us to be in relationship with You. Thank you for your patience, and long suffering. As well as your guidance, as we try to learn Your ways.


Your love is stronger than my failure, and for that I am eternally thankful.

I'm Great at Confession, and I Suck at Repentance.

Surely there is a difference between worldly guilt and godly sorrow. I have been reflecting recently on repentance. We as Christians so often mistake true repentance for a guilt filled emotional experience resulting in minor  lifestyle modifications (sometimes none at all). From my understanding of scripture, which is exponentially small compared to some, repentance comes first from understanding God's goodness. It is in the sight if His mercy that we see our shortcoming. If it were not for a glimpse of love, we would not notice the lack of love in our hearts and our treatment of others. Without knowing first who you have sinned against, it is difficult to understand why it is sin at all. The breaking of a set of rules, or of a moral code is very different from realizing that you are committing sin against a perfect God who loves you more than you can fathom.

I've come to realize that I'm great at confession. I'm even great at public confession. Letting the world know that I'm not perfect, that I struggle, and when it comes to fighting the desires of my flesh I often lose (well, I'm working on it. I still hate showing weakness in any capacity, unless it secretly means strength. Hello false humility).  However, what I'm finding, is being great at confession has nothing to do with repentance. I confess all day long, but I do not turn from my sin. I ask for forgiveness, but mostly just because I hate the weight of guilt and Self-condemnation. When it comes to things I've actually repented for- changing both thinking and actions, the list is short. This next quote is by Leonard Ravenhill.


"There are only two kinds of persons: those dead in sin and those dead to sin."


As much as I wish I was a person who was completely dead to sin, I am not. In fact, if I didn't love my sin, why would I be partaking in it? If I did not place the desires of my flesh above God's desire for my life, this wouldn't be an issue.  What does that even mean? Is the Word of God not supposed to change my appetites? Or am I even in the Word enough to allow that to happen? Am I so hardened to the voice of God that I am satisfied with a salvation comprised of wailing in "repentance" only to continue in the same thought patterns, actions, and blatant sin?  


I'm not sure what all of this means for me at this moment. I am, however, sure that I'm sick of giving my heart to the world to be devoured, and giving my attention to idols. I wish God would speed up this transformation process just a bit, giving me a heart of repentance. Of true Godly sorrow. All things in their time, I suppose. 

For now, 

Al. 

Honor Comes Not Without a Taste of Suffering

So, it's been a few months since my last post, which was unfortunately a late night rant about singleness. Please excuse it. 

I've been mulling over some things in scripture here lately. I admit this, full of regret, that it took Easter to get me back into the Word. I've been reading off and on lately, and struggle with spiritual discipline more than the next guy. However, this post is not about how I fall short. There's plenty of time to discuss that elsewhere. We were given a challenge at the start of Holy Week, to read a chapter of Matthew a day, (Starting with the 21) until Resurrection Sunday. For once, I actually did a challenge like this. In that, God showed me some amazing things about Christ that I have not seen before. 

I want to fast forward a bit to Easter. I went to church with my family, at a church I attended for years. It was nice to see the familiar faces, give a few hugs, but largely I felt uncomfortable. Throughout the past three years, I've picked up a chip on my shoulder and a critical heart, (thankfully the Lord is healing that piece by piece) and so naturally, I dissected each dialogue, every hug, and every time someone would look my way and not speak. As we were starting worship, The worship leader asked us to stand and pray. I was instantly under the conviction of the Lord. 

Who do I think I am, criticizing the  House of God? Instead of coming into His house with thanks on the day that I celebrate the Resurrection and Victory of my Savior, I come in with an attitude of hatred, pride, and bitterness. I couldn't believe how selfish I was being. Seemingly enough, the moment I began repenting, God's presence was so tangible. I have not experienced the Lord in this way in quite some time. So, throughout the message, because I'm slightly ADD, I read the scriptures surrounding each passage the pastor brought up. In this, I saw something that shook me to the core. 

Mary, the mother of Jesus- was chosen because of her willingness to trust God through suffering. I've always heard it taught that her purity was the reason she was chosen to carry and to raise the Son of the God. Yes, being a virgin was necessary, but there were plenty of people who fit that category. No one else, though, would be able to lose everything they had known - their reputation, dignity, potentially their fiance, and sacrifice their life for the call of Yahweh. Mary trusted God when He gave her a son. She trusted God when she was raising Jesus. She trusted God when He began travelling and ministering. And she trusted God when her son was ripped from her arms and beaten, mocked, and crucified an innocent man in front of her because of her own sin. Some think Job suffered the most aside from Jesus. Maybe Paul, with all of the persecution that He faced. I think Mary suffered more than anyone aside from Yeshua Himself. I could not imagine, being given a child by God, trusting him for thirty three years, and still having faith when God takes away the very child He gave me. I couldn't do it. That's too much grief. That's too much pain. That's too much hurt. Yet God got the most glory. It often takes pain to bring us to a place of brokenness, allowing God's strength to be made perfect in us.  With the things I've been working through in counseling, I have wondered things like "Why me?" "Why do I have to face this pain?" "Why would you allow this, when you 'Protect' me?" 

There is no honor, no glory, no victory without battle, struggle, and pain. It is worth it. Romans 8:28 says " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose." 

The pain and heartache you've faced in your life, will bring you to a place of closeness with the Lord IF you can surrender it to Him and receive the healing He has for you. Be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual sickness, God can use all things, circumstances, relationships, circumstances, etc. For your good. Our suffering is often the very chisel that shapes us into the image of Christ. 

Not all things are spiritual, right?

The title of this post is kind of how I'm feeling right now. I am in an awful mood, induced by reading the first three out of four books in the Traveling Pants series, watching Safe Haven, The Lucky One, and A Walk to Remember. I'm left, at two in the morning, with puffy eyes and an aching heart. Most would say I should put down the emotional porn and get over my feelings--- but they don't know that I haven't felt anything in such a long time, that this feeling of hollowness is quite the relief.


My heart has been empty since August. My tank has been empty since August. I've been avoiding people, running from friendships, relationships, even family. I talk rarely anymore, and when I do, it's to those who demand answers about my distance, and I plaster on a genuinely fake smile and pretend that I am perfectly okay, just busy. I'm even growing apart from my brother, also known as my sidekick and best friend. Well, if we're being honest, Gavin's the Hero in life. I'm his sidekick.

Oh, and did you guys know Valentine's day is coming up? Yeah, me neither. I'm  not even trying to start ranting about how cute couples celebrating their affection for one another on this day of the year makes me green with envy, and slightly nauseated. Because if we're being honest, the jealousy that often courses through my veins makes me sick on that level every other day of the year too. I'm not anti-relationships, and against affection, good for you guys. Just don't rub it in my face that you have something and I don't.


I had something once, something I thought was real. However, I was strangely disappointed when my real feelings were exposed as the opposite end of some cruel game. I never knew that someone would say I love you, and have no truth behind it. The world is harsh. So are boys.


Coming back to the Title, I'm really tired of people telling me to cherish my gift of singleness. I'm young, and I have plenty of time, and God will send me the right person in the right timing. SHUT UP. I handle watching everyone else love and be loved quite well, and have gotten much better about having these ranting, hyper-emotionalized breakdowns and episodes. They grow increasingly strong anytime I'm made to stop, or to think.

This is unfortunately spiritual, too. I don't need a man to complete me, but I sure as hell want one.

However, I'm not content with myself, nor confident yet in myself through Christ, and am obviously not in a place to pick up an idol with bright eyes, a killer smile, and red hair.




Sometimes, I wonder why every other girl is worth being pursued, though. Moments of weakness, I suppose. I am worth it, and someday I will believe that.

Until Next Time,

Al.

The Fall Defines Nothing- Your Rising Determines Everything.

I have found that as humans, we often define ourselves by our falling, by our failures. It is so hard in a world who sees you for the bad to define yourself by the good. We identify as many different things, but most of them come back to defining ourselves by failure, or things that we see as failure. We are addicts, panic disorders, ADHD, single parents, unemployed, etc. We may not voice these "flaws" to others, for fear of abolishing the facade we wear so well. But when you look in the mirror, who do you see? Do you see someone who isn't wanted by their friends? Who doesn't fit in well with their co-workers? A person struggling to not fall prey to lust? A person who had an abortion? Why do we continue to define ourselves by our mistakes? By our sins? It's not the falling that defines you. It's only how you rise.

Rising takes more strength than people realize. We are all called to rise at some point in our life.  Sins have defined people for too long, in my opinion. I believe it's time that the righteousness of Christ defines us, rather than our human weakness.

If you think about it, Jesus' death is not what brought victory. His Resurrection was. The Rising of Christ defined and set Him apart. Thousands were killed by crucifixion. None to the extent of Jesus, Him bearing the sins of the world, but if you think about it, crucifixion was a common thing. Rising from the dead as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, First-born of the slain, was not.

Sin is common in the church. Sin is common to humanity. Sin and failure are something that we have in common with those who have never encountered Jesus Christ, as well as with those who have. However, it is rising from the curse of sin that we have in common with Jesus. Our sins brought death over the messiah (The consequence of sin is death). Instead of staying down, trapped in the death and hell that sin brings, Jesus rose and returned to the Father. We are called to do the same. Quit allowing the cycle of failure to bear fruit in your life. Rise after falling, and return to the Father. Falling does not define you, Rising does.

This rock we live on.

 Hang tight, this may bring forth emotions of any kind, including none at all. I believe I've discovered enough about this world to share my thoughts. I have found we are all pawns in God's chess game. These lots of time we are given and call life are ethereal. Too often existence takes priority, rather than life. Greed kills joy, but humility breeds a fulfilled life. Warm climate cultures have the right idea, working in their own time frame -untouched by the bondage in the form of a clock around their wrists. Technology that is meant to increase communication diminishes it. Love is the peak of life, although it is the most terrifying. The greatest risks give the highest rewards. Neve fear giving away your heart no matter how scarred it may be. Passion fuels your life, don't lose it. Do what you love, be where your heart is leading you. Being lost can either be a horror story or an adventure. You find yourself as you find your way. Use the journey to your advantage. Music is a language that is more powerful than any other. It bridges generation gaps, races, genders, and can unite people from all walks of life with the plucking of a string. Emotion is universal. Music is simply a way of expressing emotion that all can understand. Music is power, and in music, we find empowerment. Every person in every culture fights battles that seem like they're life and death. Know the difference between battles that appear difficult, and those that actually are. Wisdom is found in experience. Old souls are to be cherished. Empty things produce empty people. life is only found in truly living. When you can't see the bottom, you're where you're supposed to be. Dive in. Our lives are comprised of divinely orchestrated moments in which our Creator reaches out to us, asking that we recognize who He is and the Love that he offers. I think that when we're in situations that are too hard, too much, or too tough, we're exactly where we need to be- a place of recognizing that we are humans who are dependent on an intervention from God. We are broken people, who break others if we refuse to embrace that pain that we live and find healing. This rock we live on is hard. It's unforgiving, and will surely bruise your soul when you fall. But there is a way to get back up, a rope of faith extended to you. So grab hold. Receive help. Help others. Love. Love. Love. And don't be afraid to Live. That's what I think about this rock we live on.